What Am I Doing?

Kani wandered around the Rain Forest with no umbrella. Her black andred dress was soaked and her ponytail hung, limp, on her back. Her mind was blank as she wandered around in circles, no sure where she was and not sure where she was going.

Gaara stood still, watching as Kani walked towards him. He waited, staring at her, his face in a somewhat confused or pained expression, his wet hair sticking tp his face as the rain continued to pour.

Kani looked up as she passed Gaara and stopped for a second before continuing to walk. Why did he have to be here! WHY!?

He looked down as Kani passed him, closing his eyes with a frown. He lifted his head and turned around, staring at her as she continued to walk. "Kani.."

Kani stopped and looked over her shoulder, tucking a piece of wet hair behind her ear.

"What Gaara?"

Her face was deathly blank and her brown eyes were faded and emotionless.

His face seemed to be the opposite of hers, in an expression that would seem more suited on her face than his. He took one step towrds her, reaching his hand out towards her. Slowly, he pulled it back, his fingers crling into a fist.

"I.. Kani.. I'm sorry.."

Kani stared at him.

"What did you do Gaara? Why are you sorry?"

She looked away and started to walk slowly away from him.

"Everything.. everything I have done is something to apologize for.. I'm sorry for what I did last time we seen eachother.. I'm sorry for treating you horribly.. I'm sorry I died four years ago.. I'm sorry I.." He stopped, looking down and putting his hands to his head. He didn't continue talking, and didn't move.

Kani stopped walking and turned her head slightly to look at him.

"Gaara...I missed you so much...I was terrified that I would never see you again..."

She turned a bit more.

"You don't have to say sorry," she whispered. "You haven't treated me horribly and what happened last time we talked just didn't..."

She sighed and stared up at the sky, letting the rain fall on her face.

"I was terrified that I had lost my best friend. You died and I lost you then...then you come back and I wasn't sure that you were the person I knew before."

"I.." His hands curled into fists, yanking on his own hair as he let himself drop to his knees. "I didn't have to do that.. I didn't need to leave any of you.. it was pointless, in the end it was the same.. I caused pain and suffering.. again.. I didn't want to.."

He shook his head furiously, his hands still yanking on his hair. "I'm sorry.. Kani.. I'm sorry for everything.. I tried to get you to hate me.. I tried ever since I seen you after those long four, lonely years.. I didn't want to do that to you again.. and I felt that if you hated me, not only you would be able to get over everything easier, but so would I..."

"But.." His hands dropped to the muddy ground, leaving him in a position where he looked as though he were either bowing or begging for forgiveness. "I couldn't.."

Kani turned fully to look at him and took half a step.

"Gaara...I never hated you...never. I could never hate you..."

Her eyes lost their blankness and were suddenly filled with sadness(thats the easiest way to describe it). They were still faded.

"After our last meeting...I was determined to find out what was wrong but I never got up the courage to come and find you."

She slowly sat down so that she was able to talk to him easier.

"And we've already been over your plan's problems...you didn't know, how could you..."

"I wanted you to.. I wanted you to forget all about me.." He curled his hands into fists again, this time on mud instead of hair. "I.. I hadn't done that in a while.. I had been in control for so long, but.. that day my mind went over everything.. over and over again. Eventually, I became a mixture of many emotions, and it took it's toll on me by letting Shukaku have the slightest control.."

"I'm lucky I was able to even get it back without harming you severely.." He grunted. "I'm sorry.. I'm really sorry.. I don't even understand why your even talking to me.. I was convinced that you hated me.."

Kani stared at him and shook her head.

"Gaara...I could never ever hate you...you have to know that. I can't hate you. "

She bit her lip.

"Gaara...I didn't know what to think when that happened. All I could think of was that something was wrong with you and...and I knew that it wasn't your fault. I wasn't afriad for me...I was afraid for you."

He went quiet, staring at the wet ground. Thought after thought went through his mind, memory after memory about when they were all together. Things were better back then.. then his horrible plan backfired. It split them all up. Two came back, one who is usually around him, and the other who has drifted off by their lonesome self, staying as far away as possible, it seemed.

He lifted one hand, putting it to his head. Mud slid down his face from it, and he felt himself begin to shake. "Kani.. I split us all up.. I destroyed the group.. you all suffered from my mistake, a mistake I should have known would only bring pain.."

Kani stared at him, her eyes sad but blank.

"Gaara...no you didn't...if wasn't your fault. You have to stop blaming yourself..."

She looked at the ground.

"It wasn't your fault...I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. I could have kept us all together if I hadn't let myself freak out how I did..."

"But I was the one who put you in that situation.. if I hadn't done that.. if I had just let things go the way they were supposed to.. if I had just let the Akatsuki come and battle me.. then there was a small chance I would win, or escape.. but I had taken the initiative to ruin their plans, and it ended up failing miserably.." He felt his other hand move from the ground to his head once again, letting him fall forward slightly, his forhead digging in the ground as he clutched his head.

"I can't erase the past.. I know that.. but I also can't rid myself of the feelings or the blame.. it seems almost impossible.. I've never felt like this before.. I can't even name it.." He felt a loud growl rip through his throat, his voice suddenly sounding enraged. "But.. if I hadn't been stupid.. if I hadn't been a target of the Akatsuki.. if I hadn't had Shukaku.. none of this would have happened.."

Kani's heart pounded in her chest.

Not have shakaku...but that...

"But that would mean that you wouldn't be alive!" she cried.

A couple tears escaped the corners of her eyes as she stared at him.

"Gaara...please...don't blame yourself for all this. It wasn't your fault...you had no way of knowing that everything would fall to pieces. You were just trying to help..."

"When I try to help, bad things happen.." He felt the rumbling of another growl ready to rip through his throat again. "I was stupid enough to try.. I was stupid enough to believe that maybe I would be able to help.. but no, I was an imbecile for trying.."

He felt himself start to lift his head, his hands still clutching it, only to smash it back down on the ground. He felt himself shudder from the pain as he knew the sand wasn't going to protect him here. "Ehn.. it's all my fault.. I was chosen to be born with this wretched demon.. me.. not the other two, me.. of course.. I suppose, if I hadn't been the one.. and it was Kankuro, that would mean I wouldn't have been born.. but.. it would have been better, and this useless existence could have been saved for someone who needed it.."

"Gaara," it came out in a pained whisper. "Please, please don't say that."

She slowly shook up and walked beside him before sitting down. She put a hand lightly on his shoulder.

"You tried to help and that's what counted. You always try to help and that is what counts. Stuff sometimes doesn't work out the way we want..and we have to get the conciquences straight, figure out a few things, and then move one."

Hypocrite

"It's hard.." He repeated his forhead smashing action. "Hnn.. it's.. hard to forget.. that I ruined everything.."

He growled, pulling on his hair as he smashed his face into the ground several times, a bit of blood dripping from his forhead. "Don't... touch me.. Kani.."

He didn't mean for it to sound rude in any way, but he really didn't want her to touch him. Her hand felt like it was burning though his skin, he had no idea why, though.

Kani stared at him and took her hand off his shoulder. She winced each time he hit himself and she wanted so much to stop him.

"Please Gaara...don't hurt yourself," she whispered painfully. "I know it's hard to forget...it may take a while but that doesn't mean that you should go around like this..."

"I can't.. I can't do anything.." He smashed his face into the ground once again, hearing a snap after he did. He stopped, his hands still pulling his hair lightly, his body going completely still. "Nh.. Kani.. go.."

He slowly raised his head and turned his face to her, blood dripping from his forhead, nose, and mouth. Dark redish-purple vains had appeared, seeming to climb his face. Small blue vains connected with them, turning off into their own direction.


((ooc: That looks demented.. and yes, I know, because I drew it in Math today and decided to make it happen XP))

(holly shit! and by the way, you left your collar at my place)

Kani stared at him, determination in her eyes.

"I'm not leaving," she said boldly.

((ooc: LMAO!!! Whoops, my bad. Now I have nothing to whip myself with XP.. O_O..

Nobody read that ))

He opened one of his eyes, and the other stayed shut. He moved his hand, a series of cracks coming from each of the joints in it. His fingernails seemed to be darkening, and also growing slowly into a small point. His open eye flickered from white, to black, then back again, the color around the pupil changing from the normal sea green, to yellow with a diamond pattern, then back again as well.

"Kani.. go.." He said, his voice as raspy as usual. The veins on his face continued crawling up, and his expression was suddenly fierce. "Go!!"

Kani turned and stared at him with fierce determination.

"I'm not leaving you Gaara," she repeated. "Just try to clam him down and we can get you dried off you calmed down."

She shifted so that she was crouched next to him.

"Come on Gaara."